Living Out Loud

Let go of your grief

Grief can be a lonely place. When everything around you reminds you of a great loss, you might be finding it hard to imagine a time when you will ever feel happy again. It seems like no-one else could possibly understand what you're going through. But the truth is that they do - all too well!

There is a Buddhist story about a grieving woman who, having carried her dead son around for days, asked the Buddha to administer a cure to bring her dead son back to life. The Buddha told her that in order to do this he would need a mustard seed received from a household which had not borne the death of a loved one.

Of course, grief does not have to be about death. Grief is experienced when you lose something or someone that/who has played an important and meaningful role in your life.

However, death usually presents you with the most difficult grieving periods in your life. If it involves the loss of a child, parent or life partner it can become debilitating for a while. But the devastation you feel at these times need not become a permanent fixture in your life.

The woman in the story was delighted by the Buddha's promise and set off to find her seed. For days she went from house to house asking for a mustard seed. Many took pity on her and were willing to give her one, but whenever she asked the question "Has your family ever known death?" the response was always "yes". Every home she visited had lost a family member.

Eventually the woman realised how impossible her task was, and returned to the Buddha. She acknowledged the universality of death and its associated grief.

There are two important things to remember at a time of grieving:

• No matter how lonely you might feel right now, you are not alone. There is in fact a vast network of people out there who can empathise with you, help you to move through your grief and begin to look forward again with hope.

• This too will pass. Everything we experience in life is temporary. Life itself is temporary. And so is grief.

We really and truly can get over anything, even the unimaginable. People do it every day.

It is a process though, and it does take time. Here are three steps to help you.

1. Want to move forwards!

The difference between someone who moves through grief and someone who gets stuck in it is making the decision to let go of your loss and to look for a way to move forwards.

Yes, I am aware that this is much easier said than done. If you are feeling stuck ask yourself how is this grief serving you? If your grief is related to a death, is this what your loved one would want for you?

The Buddha said to the grieving woman:

"Your sorrow accomplished nothing for your son. Be prepared, for you will suffer many other deaths in your time, and some day your own."

In this story, what helped the woman to let go of her grief was hearing the stories of others and realising that her experience, while devastating to her in that moment, was a normal part of mortal life, and shared by all.

When you share your grief with others, listen to their own stories, and learn how they came through their own tragedies, it can restore your courage and strength and give you hope for the future.

What you need to do here is quite simple and very powerful: decide to reach out and connect with others who can help you.

2. Identify all the people you could potentially talk to about your loss.

• Friends or family members?
• Someone who has been in a similar situation who can empathise with what you're going through?
• Support groups you could join?
• Bereavement counsellor?
• Online forum?

Once you have as full a list as possible of all the people you could connect with, decide who you will connect with. It doesn't have to be everyone on your list. As you look it over, where does your heart lean towards?

Choose one or two people (or groups) and write down what you need to do to practically make that connection. It might be as simple as picking up the phone and ringing your best friend. Or it may involve an online search for bereavement counselling services in your area.

Whatever it is, write it down. This increases your commitment to taking the action.

Then take a deep breath, and do it.

3. Remind yourself - often - that "this too will pass".

When you're ready to embrace it, something new and wonderful will come into your life to fill the space that's been created. The woman in the story became a disciple of the Buddha and found inner peace.

You may not be able to (or even want to) imagine that for yourself right now. But the possibility of experiencing joy is open to us each and every day of our lives. Remember the Buddha's words. Your suffering accomplishes nothing for your dear departed. And wouldn't they choose joy, happiness and inner peace for you instead?

Step into the field of all possibilities

(a Thought for the Week)

"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security." ~ John Allen Paulos

"Impossible is a word humans use far too often." ~ Jeri Ryan

"Our aspirations are our possibilities." ~ Samuel Johnson

"Relinquish your attachment to the known, step into the unknown, and you will step into the field of all possibilities." ~ Deepak Chopra

Follow your heart

(a Thought for the Week)

"Most people think the heart is mushy and sentimental. But it's not. The heart is intuitve, it's holistic, it's contextual, it's relational. It doesn't have a win-lose orientation. . . At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought." ~ Deepak Chopra

"No man can tell whether he is rich or poor by turning to his ledger. It is the heart that makes a man rich. He is rich or poor according to what he is, not according to what he has." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

"Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart." ~ Unknown

"It is the heart always that sees, before the head can see." ~ Thomas Carlyle

"Only do what your heart tells you." ~ Princess Diana

You can view my Thoughts archive here

Laugh...

(part of the Happy Friday series)

"Our five senses are not enough for ideal living. We need to use our sixth sense: our sense of humor." ~ Chuck Gallozi

Do I have to sell this one?

Surely not...

But just in case:

• Laughter releases endorphins, the feel-good hormones which aid a sense of relaxation and promote a sense of well-being - ie. laughter makes you feel happier.

• "Laughter is the best medicine." It lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones and boosts your immune system.

• Laughter dissolves tension, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief, and depression - ie. laughter makes you feel happier.

• Laughter lowers inhibitions, allowing the release of pent-up emotions.

• Laughter helps people to bond with one another.

And that's just the tip of the ice-berg. I'm sure you could rattle off your own very long list of benefits.

But before you start thinking about horses and carts, and chickens and eggs, let me say that you do not have to be on top of the world to indulge in a bout of laughter. You just have to distract yourself from whatever else is occupying your attention and engage in an activity that generally makes you laugh.

So, hire an entire series of your favourite sit-com on DVD, buy a good joke book, or indulge in some really silly antics with your very best friends. Whatever floats your boat, just be sure you laugh as much as possible.

No excuses now. "Just do it!" ~ Nike.

And to get you started:

When Grandma Goes to Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frnakly, you've been a big disappontment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I do know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her is she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Happy laughing : )

Stop resisting stuff

(part of the Happy Friday series)

What you resist persists.

This isn’t my opinion, it’s a spiritual law. I can tell you though that I have plenty of personal experience to back it up! If you think about it, I’m sure you’ll find you do too.

What is meant by resistance is not wanting what you currently have in your life, or focusing on the lack of what you do want. It’s the good old Law of Attraction at work again. Your thoughts, feelings and actions – the vibrations you offer out into the Universe – attracting like energy back to you – events and experiences that match your vibration.

Therefore, if there is a situation in your life that you are struggling with, either mentally, physically or emotionally, you are impeding your own ability to move through it. What you want to be rid of, you are continually attracting back to you. Or if it’s a lack of something you’re focussing on, then you’re continually attracting that lack to you.

So, what to do?

Accept the present as it is, that’s what!

“Accept the present and intend the future.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Intending the future is being clear about how you would like things to be, and trusting that they will in fact work out that way, or even better, eventhough right now it’s not looking all that likely.

Easier said than done? Definitely.

Do-able? Absolutely.

How? Well, I’m sure different people have different techniques for that, and really whatever works best for you is just fine. Personally, I always use affirmations when I become conscious that I’m resisting something. By using affirmations appropriate to the situation, I begin to change my thoughts about it and consequently change the vibration I’m putting out there.

If you want to try this technique ~

1. Write out an affirmation (or several) that resonates with you
2. Post them on your fridge, bathroom mirror, inside your front door, car dashboard – anywhere that you’ll get to see and read them several times a day.
3. Recite them as often as possible – with positive feeling

If you’re new to using affirmations, it might (scratch that, it probably will) feel a bit silly to begin with. Especially as what you’re declaring doesn’t match what you believe and feel.

Yet!

But repeated use of affirmations can have a very calming effect. AND they help you to change your beliefs, and build your sense of trust in yourself and the Universe.

Here are some of my favourites:

“It is the way it is. I accept that.” ~ Stuart Wilde

“I do not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were.” ~ Deepak Chopra

“All is well, no matter what it looks like. It’s all happening perfectly.” ~ Susan Jeffers

“I am safe; it’s only change. I cross all bridges with joy and ease. The ‘old’ unfolds into wonderful new experiences.” ~ Louise L Hay

“I do not resist this situation. I put it in the hands of Infinite Love and Wisdom and let the divine idea now come to pass.” ~ Florence Scovell Shinn

“I am at peace. I trust it will all work out perfectly.” ~ Hilda Carroll ;-)

There are two keys to using affirmations:

1. Repetition
2. Feelings

As you’re reciting them, feel the feelings as though the future you’re intending has already manifested in the present. (yes, really!)

Ya, ya, I can hear your loud objections from here. But you can do this – all it takes is practice. And if you do practice this it will help you to accept the present as it is. And when you accept it, you will feel better about it. It think that’s what they call a virtuos circle ;-)

Well it beats a vicious circle, doesn’t it! And let me tell you, if you choose resistance over acceptance the vicious circle is where you’re more likely to get stuck.

My challenge as ever: try it for a week (with an open mind), and see how you get on!

(For a short and helpful post on how affirmations work, read this on Kirsten Harrell’s site. She has a tonne of affirmations for you to choose from too.)

Similar Posts:

Accept the present as it is

All is well

“All is well, no matter what it looks like. It’s all happening perfectly.”

This is an affirmation offered by either Louise Hay or Susan Jeffers. Apologies for not being certain where I borrowed it from, but I do use it on a regular basis. It helps me to stay grounded in the present moment, and to stop worrying about how things may or may not work out in the future.

It also helps me to remember that there is a blessing disguised in every challenging situation and experience. I am reminded to look for the silver lining, instead of feeling sorry for myself. (Though in all honesty I have to admit that I do usually indulge myself in a small bit of self-pity for a while too – you move through your negative feelings more quickly when you allow yourself to feel them rather than repress them).

“Along with the sunshine, there’s gotta be a little rain sometimes.” ~ Lynn Anderson

For growth in nature, both sunshine and rain are required. For our own growth this is just as true. We need ups and downs. Without the downs, we wouldn’t appreciate the ups. Because they have a tendency to stop us in our tracks, we’re also a lot more likely to become introspective and learn from the downs. And those lessons empower us to create more and more ups in our lives. And so, it is all good!

“Life is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it.” ~ Ronan Keating

The secret to enjoying a rollercoaster ride is to relax, knowing and trusting that you won’t crash-land but will slowly start to ascend upwards again. Eventhough it feels scary, you are perfectly safe. It’s the same with everything you experience in life. When hitting a scary or rough patch, don’t struggle or resist it. Relax, trust that you are safe. Accept the present as it is, knowing that this too will pass.

Everything is temporary. And everything serves a purpose, even if it is not immediately evident where the path you’re on is taking you. All will be revealed in good time, and you may be delighted as well as surprised by where you end up.

As Louise (or Susan?) reminds us, all is well – no matter what it looks like. It’s all happening perfectly : )

Commune with Nature

part of the Happy Friday series)

photo by Kirsten Harrell (a selection of Kirsten's photos are now available as calendars, note pads, mugs, posters and framed prints - check them out here)

Slow down

(part of the Happy Friday series, posted on Sunday - oops!)

Slow down, you move too fast
You've got to make the morning last
Just kickin' down the cobble stones
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy!

~ Simon & Garfunkel

Give what you want to receive

(part of the Happy Friday series)

"What you sow is what you reap."

We all know (don't we?) that the energy we put out into the world comes right back to us. The experiences we have in our lives are always reflecting our thoughts and feelings - the energy we are emitting. Well, that is my belief anyway.

And according to the Law of Attraction, it doesn't really matter whether you believe it or not. It still affects your every experience in life. If you're not already sold on the idea, try paying attention to what you're thinking and feeling over the coming week, and notice what's going on in your life at the same time. You'll be amazed at the corelation!

Whatever it is you want to receive more of in your life, try giving more of that to those around you. Give love, money, attention, support and you will receive love, money, attention and support – just so long as you give it from a place of genuine love and caring for others. This is absolutely key.

Give what you want to receive, but don't give in order to receive.

If you give in order to receive, you will negate the receiving effect. This is because your underlying intention is based in a feeling of lack - that is the energy you’re emitting and therefore you will continue to attract that lack.

But when you focus on genuinely seeking to help and serve others, you will discover, in many surprising ways, that you are receiving much of the same - and often much, much more - back into your own life.

If you're new to the Law of Attraction, why not try this as an experiment over the coming week and share your experiences here?

Spring clean your life

(part of the Happy Friday series)

Sometimes the main impediment to our ability to be happy in the present (and the future) is hanging onto feelings and memories from the past. Eventhough we know we need to let them go, we can often struggle to do so.

You know yourself if this is one of your own obstacles to happiness. If it is, you need to decide how severe the problem is. If you are feeling stuck because of a significant trauma in your past, then seeking professional therapeutic help is your best way forward. And the sooner you take that step, the sooner you can free yourself from the troubles of the past, and the fears they have dragged into your present.

But what if you’re getting stuck because of something that’s not (or really shouldn’t be) such a big deal in the greater scheme of things? How can you move on before it starts to fester and becomes a much bigger deal than it needs to be?

Well, this week my magic solution is: declutter! And I’m not using the word “magic” lightly here. Not only does a good clear out clean up your physical space, but it often has an amazingly cathartic effect on your emotional well-being too.

I’m not going to go into a whole feng shui explanation of how or why this is (but click here if you do want to read up on it). I’m just going to boldly state that this has been my (sometimes gob-smacking!) experience, and according to widespread anecdotal evidence I’m not alone.

So, if you’re feeling stuck on anything at a psychological level, I highly recommend taking a good look around you. Is there a physical space in your world that could do with a good decluttering? Also take a look at the mental clutter in your life – what tasks are continually going undone because you can’t seem to muster up the psychic energy to face them?

I suggest starting with the physical clear out. If you can't even motivate yourself to get going with that, try reading Karen Kingston's Clear your Clutter with Feng Shui - that oughta help! But if you are eager and ready to just get going, remember the rule of thumb: love it, use it (regularly) or lose it.

When you declutter your physical space you will experience a release of psychic energy that will give you the momentum you need to deal with the mental clutter. Out of nowhere, you will find the motivation to just do it. And from there you will find yourself, magically, moving on from the place where you were stuck.

And in terms of moving forward with your life, you will have created a vacuum to draw into your life new and exciting experiences to replace the old ones that you will now have mentally let go of. Sceptical? Well, you know the only way to find out is to test the theory for yourself…

As it happens, I currently have some stuff I need to let go of. I’ve been trying to do so, and yet resisting it at the same time for the last couple of weeks. And fortunately I also have a room that needs a thorough decluttering! (which I’ve also been putting on the long finger) Well, I made a start today, and can't wait to get back to it once I've finished this post : )

I’m looking forward to freeing up space – both in my home and in my head! And I look forward with curiosity and wonder to the opportunities that will follow.

What about you? What do you need to let go of, both mentally and physically?