Living Out Loud

Let go of your grief

Grief can be a lonely place. When everything around you reminds you of a great loss, you might be finding it hard to imagine a time when you will ever feel happy again. It seems like no-one else could possibly understand what you're going through. But the truth is that they do - all too well!

There is a Buddhist story about a grieving woman who, having carried her dead son around for days, asked the Buddha to administer a cure to bring her dead son back to life. The Buddha told her that in order to do this he would need a mustard seed received from a household which had not borne the death of a loved one.

Of course, grief does not have to be about death. Grief is experienced when you lose something or someone that/who has played an important and meaningful role in your life.

However, death usually presents you with the most difficult grieving periods in your life. If it involves the loss of a child, parent or life partner it can become debilitating for a while. But the devastation you feel at these times need not become a permanent fixture in your life.

The woman in the story was delighted by the Buddha's promise and set off to find her seed. For days she went from house to house asking for a mustard seed. Many took pity on her and were willing to give her one, but whenever she asked the question "Has your family ever known death?" the response was always "yes". Every home she visited had lost a family member.

Eventually the woman realised how impossible her task was, and returned to the Buddha. She acknowledged the universality of death and its associated grief.

There are two important things to remember at a time of grieving:

• No matter how lonely you might feel right now, you are not alone. There is in fact a vast network of people out there who can empathise with you, help you to move through your grief and begin to look forward again with hope.

• This too will pass. Everything we experience in life is temporary. Life itself is temporary. And so is grief.

We really and truly can get over anything, even the unimaginable. People do it every day.

It is a process though, and it does take time. Here are three steps to help you.

1. Want to move forwards!

The difference between someone who moves through grief and someone who gets stuck in it is making the decision to let go of your loss and to look for a way to move forwards.

Yes, I am aware that this is much easier said than done. If you are feeling stuck ask yourself how is this grief serving you? If your grief is related to a death, is this what your loved one would want for you?

The Buddha said to the grieving woman:

"Your sorrow accomplished nothing for your son. Be prepared, for you will suffer many other deaths in your time, and some day your own."

In this story, what helped the woman to let go of her grief was hearing the stories of others and realising that her experience, while devastating to her in that moment, was a normal part of mortal life, and shared by all.

When you share your grief with others, listen to their own stories, and learn how they came through their own tragedies, it can restore your courage and strength and give you hope for the future.

What you need to do here is quite simple and very powerful: decide to reach out and connect with others who can help you.

2. Identify all the people you could potentially talk to about your loss.

• Friends or family members?
• Someone who has been in a similar situation who can empathise with what you're going through?
• Support groups you could join?
• Bereavement counsellor?
• Online forum?

Once you have as full a list as possible of all the people you could connect with, decide who you will connect with. It doesn't have to be everyone on your list. As you look it over, where does your heart lean towards?

Choose one or two people (or groups) and write down what you need to do to practically make that connection. It might be as simple as picking up the phone and ringing your best friend. Or it may involve an online search for bereavement counselling services in your area.

Whatever it is, write it down. This increases your commitment to taking the action.

Then take a deep breath, and do it.

3. Remind yourself - often - that "this too will pass".

When you're ready to embrace it, something new and wonderful will come into your life to fill the space that's been created. The woman in the story became a disciple of the Buddha and found inner peace.

You may not be able to (or even want to) imagine that for yourself right now. But the possibility of experiencing joy is open to us each and every day of our lives. Remember the Buddha's words. Your suffering accomplishes nothing for your dear departed. And wouldn't they choose joy, happiness and inner peace for you instead?

Desiderata

(part of the Happy Friday series)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be
greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career
however humble;
it is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you
to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham,
drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrmann

10 rules for being human

by Rod Briggs of MindLink Foundation

1. You will receive a body - you may love it or hate it, but it's yours for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons - you will enroll in a full-time school called 'LIFE'. Each day you have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think of them as irrelevant or stupid.

3. There are no mistakes - only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as those that work.

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. Lesssons will be presented in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, you are learning.

6. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become "here", you will simply find another "there" that will look better than "here".

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You do not love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you and you only need to look, listen and trust.

10. You will remember or forget all of this. The choice is yours.

Do something different

(a Thought for the Week)

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." ~ Unknown

"Stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibilities" ~ Terry Josephson

"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." ~ Unknown

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." ~ Unknown

"Never follow somebody else's path; it doesn't work the same way twice for anyone...the path follows you and rolls up behind you as you walk, forcing the next person to find their own way." ~ J. Michael Straczynski

You can view my Thoughts archive here

Stop resisting stuff

(part of the Happy Friday series)

What you resist persists.

This isn’t my opinion, it’s a spiritual law. I can tell you though that I have plenty of personal experience to back it up! If you think about it, I’m sure you’ll find you do too.

What is meant by resistance is not wanting what you currently have in your life, or focusing on the lack of what you do want. It’s the good old Law of Attraction at work again. Your thoughts, feelings and actions – the vibrations you offer out into the Universe – attracting like energy back to you – events and experiences that match your vibration.

Therefore, if there is a situation in your life that you are struggling with, either mentally, physically or emotionally, you are impeding your own ability to move through it. What you want to be rid of, you are continually attracting back to you. Or if it’s a lack of something you’re focussing on, then you’re continually attracting that lack to you.

So, what to do?

Accept the present as it is, that’s what!

“Accept the present and intend the future.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Intending the future is being clear about how you would like things to be, and trusting that they will in fact work out that way, or even better, eventhough right now it’s not looking all that likely.

Easier said than done? Definitely.

Do-able? Absolutely.

How? Well, I’m sure different people have different techniques for that, and really whatever works best for you is just fine. Personally, I always use affirmations when I become conscious that I’m resisting something. By using affirmations appropriate to the situation, I begin to change my thoughts about it and consequently change the vibration I’m putting out there.

If you want to try this technique ~

1. Write out an affirmation (or several) that resonates with you
2. Post them on your fridge, bathroom mirror, inside your front door, car dashboard – anywhere that you’ll get to see and read them several times a day.
3. Recite them as often as possible – with positive feeling

If you’re new to using affirmations, it might (scratch that, it probably will) feel a bit silly to begin with. Especially as what you’re declaring doesn’t match what you believe and feel.

Yet!

But repeated use of affirmations can have a very calming effect. AND they help you to change your beliefs, and build your sense of trust in yourself and the Universe.

Here are some of my favourites:

“It is the way it is. I accept that.” ~ Stuart Wilde

“I do not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were.” ~ Deepak Chopra

“All is well, no matter what it looks like. It’s all happening perfectly.” ~ Susan Jeffers

“I am safe; it’s only change. I cross all bridges with joy and ease. The ‘old’ unfolds into wonderful new experiences.” ~ Louise L Hay

“I do not resist this situation. I put it in the hands of Infinite Love and Wisdom and let the divine idea now come to pass.” ~ Florence Scovell Shinn

“I am at peace. I trust it will all work out perfectly.” ~ Hilda Carroll ;-)

There are two keys to using affirmations:

1. Repetition
2. Feelings

As you’re reciting them, feel the feelings as though the future you’re intending has already manifested in the present. (yes, really!)

Ya, ya, I can hear your loud objections from here. But you can do this – all it takes is practice. And if you do practice this it will help you to accept the present as it is. And when you accept it, you will feel better about it. It think that’s what they call a virtuos circle ;-)

Well it beats a vicious circle, doesn’t it! And let me tell you, if you choose resistance over acceptance the vicious circle is where you’re more likely to get stuck.

My challenge as ever: try it for a week (with an open mind), and see how you get on!

(For a short and helpful post on how affirmations work, read this on Kirsten Harrell’s site. She has a tonne of affirmations for you to choose from too.)

Similar Posts:

Accept the present as it is

All is well

“All is well, no matter what it looks like. It’s all happening perfectly.”

This is an affirmation offered by either Louise Hay or Susan Jeffers. Apologies for not being certain where I borrowed it from, but I do use it on a regular basis. It helps me to stay grounded in the present moment, and to stop worrying about how things may or may not work out in the future.

It also helps me to remember that there is a blessing disguised in every challenging situation and experience. I am reminded to look for the silver lining, instead of feeling sorry for myself. (Though in all honesty I have to admit that I do usually indulge myself in a small bit of self-pity for a while too – you move through your negative feelings more quickly when you allow yourself to feel them rather than repress them).

“Along with the sunshine, there’s gotta be a little rain sometimes.” ~ Lynn Anderson

For growth in nature, both sunshine and rain are required. For our own growth this is just as true. We need ups and downs. Without the downs, we wouldn’t appreciate the ups. Because they have a tendency to stop us in our tracks, we’re also a lot more likely to become introspective and learn from the downs. And those lessons empower us to create more and more ups in our lives. And so, it is all good!

“Life is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it.” ~ Ronan Keating

The secret to enjoying a rollercoaster ride is to relax, knowing and trusting that you won’t crash-land but will slowly start to ascend upwards again. Eventhough it feels scary, you are perfectly safe. It’s the same with everything you experience in life. When hitting a scary or rough patch, don’t struggle or resist it. Relax, trust that you are safe. Accept the present as it is, knowing that this too will pass.

Everything is temporary. And everything serves a purpose, even if it is not immediately evident where the path you’re on is taking you. All will be revealed in good time, and you may be delighted as well as surprised by where you end up.

As Louise (or Susan?) reminds us, all is well – no matter what it looks like. It’s all happening perfectly : )

Be wary of your assumptions

(a Thought for the Week)

"Our perceptions are mostly wrong, and they are responsible for 90% of our suffering." ~ Brother Phap Dang

"Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won't come in." ~ Alan Alda

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." ~ Marcel Proust

"Don't make assumptions. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

You can view my Thoughts archive here

Hooray for Butterflies

I have been so disconnected from my centre for such a long time. And the sad thing is I didn’t even realise it.

The magical synchronicities were few and far between, things weren’t working out as beautifully as I’d become accustomed to, and there were no butterflies. (For me, the sight of butterflies, either in physical or artistic form, is the Universe’s way of tapping me on my shoulder and letting me know I’m not alone)

Instead of sailing along and trusting that all is well, I had to work hard to feel at peace, reminding myself constantly that all was well instead of feeling it instinctively.

I found myself struggling with things instead of flowing along with my usual ease. I, a life coach with a Discover your Dream Job programme, couldn’t figure out where I wanted to go next with my own career - seriously out of integrity! The only thing I did feel sure about on that front was that I wanted my writing to become more central. But then I found myself struggling to write. And a new relationship, instead of blossoming blissfully, was fraught with difficulties. As I fretted, it floundered and finally fell apart.

But for some reason I was not aware of the disconnection. I was very aware that things weren’t as free-flowing as normal, but I forgot that the outer always reflects the inner. I fretted about why the outer was as it was, instead of breathing deep, trusting that all will be well, and letting go. Very remiss of me…

I only began to join the dots after recently embarking on a programme of decluttering. Suddenly things were looking up again, the synchronicities were more frequent and there was clarity.

It was the re-emergence of the butterflies that helped the penny to finally drop. When they started to come back into my life – or to be very truthful, I started to notice the ones I was already surrounded by and was just not seeing - I realised just how disconnected I had been. I realised it with profound gratitude, because I knew I was reconnecting again.

In clearing my clutter my energy was becoming unstuck and I started to find my way back to my centre. And I started to ask myself what happened. When and where did I start to lose my way? I’ve traced it back to moving house last July. I might save the list of reasons as to why that is for another post. But let me just say here that I don’t believe in coincidences and I am convinced that the energy in my home is not quite right for me.

So I’m going to change it. When I’ve completely finished the Great Declutter I’m going to do a space clearing ceremony to "cleanse and purify the chi" of my home.

What else has clicked for me since my clarity improved? Well, I remembered that my meditation practice was so much better before the move. In my last home I easily meditated for fifteen to twenty minutes every morning. Since I moved here I’ve been struggling to do five minutes. At the time of the move I wondered if I were missing the view of a tree from my old bedroom window, but now I’m wondering if a change of energy might be more instrumental. At least I’m hoping that a new change in energy will help improve things on that front.

Did you notice something important there? I was aware of the change in my meditation practice at the time, but instead of focussing on finding a solution I kinda let it slide. I made do with the five minutes a day (well all the teachers say it is better than nothing). There, I think, was the slippery slope that lead to my gradual and progressive disconnection.

Then a few months down the line I stopped writing out my daily intentions and affirmations. I still set them (the intentions) and recited them (the affirmations), but I took a lazier approach to it than before. What I used to do, and it worked for me oh so beautifully, is I used to write them out in full while having breakfast, then go upstairs, read the intentions, meditate, then read the affirmations.

Since the end of November I’ve been short-circuiting that process big time. Before I got out of bed at all, I would do a quick run-through of my intentions for the day in my head, meditate for barely five minutes, and maybe do a quick run-through of my affirmations. The whole process would take me less than ten minutes and would be barely mindful. No wonder my connection to my spirit was so weak…

But the bit that has me really confused is this. During the last six months I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better. I’ve tapped into some fears, well lots of fears actually, that I had hidden under ambivalence. In some areas of my life I definitely have a much greater self-awareness.

And this was achieved during a time that I was not that in tune with my higher self. I’m trying to tie the two together logically, and I’m not managing to make sense of it. But then maybe I should just let go of the logic – focussing on logic over feelings always leads me away from my peaceful core.

Maybe I was meant to stray away from my inner peace. If I’d been going with the flow more, experiencing lots of magic and easily trusting that I was on the right path, then the hard questions may have just floated over my head instead of digging so deep.

One of my interests is kayaking, and though we generally go with the flow on a river, occasionally you have to paddle upstream just an itty bit in order to have the best angle of approach to a particular feature. I wonder if that’s what was going on with me? I certainly believe that whatever happens is meant to happen, even if that does mean I occasionally stray away from my own centre.

And so, while I recognise now that I’ve been in the wilderness for a bit, I’m not sorry to have gone there. I did learn lots of interesting things about myself, and I’ve also learned the importance of not taking short-cuts! Well, with the important things in life, there are no short-cuts really ; )

And now I’m coming home, back to a place where I feel joy and peace effortlessly, but with a stronger self-awareness than I had before. All is good.

And how have I done it? I’ve re-established the routine of writing out my daily intentions and affirmations. I remembered some good advice from Judith Morgan and I’ve embarked on an Extreme Self Care spree. After a gym workout I treat myself to a dose of the jacuzzi - bliss! I had a long overdue shiatsu session, and I’m looking forward to another on Tuesday. I had a consciousness shifting session, which was a new experience for me but I think I’ll be going back for more. I had an energetic massage which was also well overdue, and I’ve renewed my intention to make that a more regular treat. (Don't be fooled by the word "energetic" there, it's a delightfully relaxing and pampering indulgence, with the added benefit of leaving your energy chakras rebalanced)

And I’m still decluttering. A bit here and a bit there. And every bit makes a perceptible difference to my energy. My sense of peace is being restored. And I’m now facing two weeks school holidays (a recent teaching stint having come from my career conundrum) during which time I will complete the declutter and perform the space clearing ritual. I’m breathing more deeply already.

I’ve gone from feeling stuck in limbo to having a strong sense of moving forwards, eventhough I’m still not sure where I’m headed. But I know I’m going somewhere and I’m much more at peace with the not-knowing-where than I have been of late : )

Reinvent yourself

When you change yourself you change your world.

You can change how you feel about your world when you change how you look at it and how you react to it. You might not be able to control the external circumstances. But your choices about how to deal with it, your thoughts about it, and consequently your feelings are all absolutely within your control. All you have to do is become aware of this, and consciously choose rather than unconsciously react.

If you're not happy at work, you can change your current job, you can change your entire career, or you can change the person you bring to work every day (that's you).

If you're not happy in your relationship, you can choose to leave, or you can look at the role you've been playing and choose to change it.

If you're not happy with your appearance, you can choose to change your hairstyle, wardrobe, weight or you can choose to love and accept yourself exactly as you are.

I could go on, but you get the idea I'm sure. In each of the above and other examples, you could also choose not to change, but to complain and feel angry, disappointed, sad - in a word, unhappy.

I may risk your wrath and suffer a lot of unsubscribes here, but the truth of the matter is, if you're unhappy about any area of your life, and you're not choosing to make the changes yourself, you are in effect, albeit unconsciously, choosing to keep the status quo. You're choosing to be unhappy.

I've said this before, I'm sure I'll say it countless times in the future. The answer to almost every dilemma in your life lies within you, not without.

Everytime something goes awry in my life I look within. Not always immediately, I have to admit. Oftentimes I indulge myself with an unconscious reaction for a while. But that never helps.

What always helps is when I calm down and ask myself, how have I contributed to this situation or attracted this problem into my life? What thoughts and actions have led me here? And when the answer comes, I acknowledge it and I forgive myself. And then I change my thoughts and actions to be more aligned with how I would like things to be instead.

Works a treat - always.

The external circumstance won't always magically change to suit your desires (although sometimes it will). But how you feel about that situation will change, and that is what really matters.

And when you feel better about a situation, you will be more empowered to make the difficult decisions. The ones you know in your heart and soul you need to make but were previously resisting (like change your career, or leave that relationship, or alter your attitude and behaviour).

The changes to your world that you want and need to make. The changes that begin when you learn to look inside - and reinvent yourself.

Intentions versus Goals and Resolutions

I never did set New Year resolutions. But I have set many goals at regular intervals, and then struggled with them. Over the course of 2007 I paid attention whenever I was struggling with a goal, and I have revised my own personal ethos around goal setting in general.

Now I’m no longer such a big fan of goals – sacrilege to my coach training! I haven’t given up on them completely – for really driven people who decide to do a thing and then single-mindedly pursue it, goals are definitely the way to go.

But I’m not one of those people. When I set myself a goal, although it’s usually something I really do want to achieve, it often starts to feel more like a “should” and less like a choice. And what I have learned about myself in recent months is that I actively avoid anything that feels like a “should”.

Shoulds drain my energy and don’t inspire me, even when I was initially highly motivated and energised by the desire that originally spawned the goal. This has posed many the dilemma for me. I had to find a way to go for what I want without turning the process of achieving that into a pressure that would cause me to procrastinate.

What I hit upon was intention setting.

Setting intentions is different to setting goals. It’s about getting to the underlying reason why we want to achieve our goals, and aligning our actions with those feelings. For example, if you want to lose weight, why is that? To be healthier, fitter, feel more attractive? By identifying what it is you really want, and setting the intention to be that way, you’ll find yourself acting accordingly with more ease and less struggle.

If you take a goal centred approach, it’ll typically be something like this:

Goal: To lose half a stone in 8 weeks

Actions:
• One hour work out three days a week
• Thirty minute walk daily
• Cut out white bread, rice and pasta
• Drink two liters of water daily
• Eat low calorie meals
• Cut out all sweet snacks

You get the idea – one goal, lots of things you “should” do in order to achieve it.

An intention centred approach would look more like this:

Intention: To be fit and healthy

Actions:
• Remind myself daily that I intend to be fit and healthy.

That’s it! Really!

When you remind yourself daily of your intention to be fit and healthy, you’ll find yourself acting as a fit and healthy person does, and making the choice to exercise more, and eat more healthily, rather than telling yourself you “have” to do it. The more often you make those choices, the more it becomes a habit, and before you know it you will indeed be a fit and healthy person.

Sounds too simple? Many’s the “too simple” technique that I’ve tried (with an open mind) only to be very pleasantly surprised by the effect. All of my family and friends were shocked at how much weight I lost last year when I set the intention to lower my cholestorel. They all wanted to know how I did it. I told them of the changes I made in my diet and exercise regime, but that wasn’t the secret to my success at all.

Whenever I set myself the goal of losing weight or exercising more in the past, I never succeeded. But this time I was focussed on improving a health issue and I just did what I needed to do without any inner struggle. I never had to push myself to do it, I just did it because I was completely in touch with my underlying desire. And there’s still no effort now in keeping it up.

If you’re similar to me and have always struggled with your goals, why not try this approach instead and see how you get on? The key to identifying your intention is to focus on how you’d like to be rather than what you’d like to be doing or having. Once you’re clear on this, then remind yourself daily of that intention. With that at the front of your mind you will naturally behave in a manner that supports that intention.

However, with my New Year Intentions I have gone a little further. I have made a list of some of the actions I could take (keeping them strictly as an option rather than a “should”) to help align me more with that way of being.

Here are some examples of my intentions for 2008: