Living Out Loud

Hooray for Butterflies

I have been so disconnected from my centre for such a long time. And the sad thing is I didn’t even realise it.

The magical synchronicities were few and far between, things weren’t working out as beautifully as I’d become accustomed to, and there were no butterflies. (For me, the sight of butterflies, either in physical or artistic form, is the Universe’s way of tapping me on my shoulder and letting me know I’m not alone)

Instead of sailing along and trusting that all is well, I had to work hard to feel at peace, reminding myself constantly that all was well instead of feeling it instinctively.

I found myself struggling with things instead of flowing along with my usual ease. I, a life coach with a Discover your Dream Job programme, couldn’t figure out where I wanted to go next with my own career - seriously out of integrity! The only thing I did feel sure about on that front was that I wanted my writing to become more central. But then I found myself struggling to write. And a new relationship, instead of blossoming blissfully, was fraught with difficulties. As I fretted, it floundered and finally fell apart.

But for some reason I was not aware of the disconnection. I was very aware that things weren’t as free-flowing as normal, but I forgot that the outer always reflects the inner. I fretted about why the outer was as it was, instead of breathing deep, trusting that all will be well, and letting go. Very remiss of me…

I only began to join the dots after recently embarking on a programme of decluttering. Suddenly things were looking up again, the synchronicities were more frequent and there was clarity.

It was the re-emergence of the butterflies that helped the penny to finally drop. When they started to come back into my life – or to be very truthful, I started to notice the ones I was already surrounded by and was just not seeing - I realised just how disconnected I had been. I realised it with profound gratitude, because I knew I was reconnecting again.

In clearing my clutter my energy was becoming unstuck and I started to find my way back to my centre. And I started to ask myself what happened. When and where did I start to lose my way? I’ve traced it back to moving house last July. I might save the list of reasons as to why that is for another post. But let me just say here that I don’t believe in coincidences and I am convinced that the energy in my home is not quite right for me.

So I’m going to change it. When I’ve completely finished the Great Declutter I’m going to do a space clearing ceremony to "cleanse and purify the chi" of my home.

What else has clicked for me since my clarity improved? Well, I remembered that my meditation practice was so much better before the move. In my last home I easily meditated for fifteen to twenty minutes every morning. Since I moved here I’ve been struggling to do five minutes. At the time of the move I wondered if I were missing the view of a tree from my old bedroom window, but now I’m wondering if a change of energy might be more instrumental. At least I’m hoping that a new change in energy will help improve things on that front.

Did you notice something important there? I was aware of the change in my meditation practice at the time, but instead of focussing on finding a solution I kinda let it slide. I made do with the five minutes a day (well all the teachers say it is better than nothing). There, I think, was the slippery slope that lead to my gradual and progressive disconnection.

Then a few months down the line I stopped writing out my daily intentions and affirmations. I still set them (the intentions) and recited them (the affirmations), but I took a lazier approach to it than before. What I used to do, and it worked for me oh so beautifully, is I used to write them out in full while having breakfast, then go upstairs, read the intentions, meditate, then read the affirmations.

Since the end of November I’ve been short-circuiting that process big time. Before I got out of bed at all, I would do a quick run-through of my intentions for the day in my head, meditate for barely five minutes, and maybe do a quick run-through of my affirmations. The whole process would take me less than ten minutes and would be barely mindful. No wonder my connection to my spirit was so weak…

But the bit that has me really confused is this. During the last six months I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better. I’ve tapped into some fears, well lots of fears actually, that I had hidden under ambivalence. In some areas of my life I definitely have a much greater self-awareness.

And this was achieved during a time that I was not that in tune with my higher self. I’m trying to tie the two together logically, and I’m not managing to make sense of it. But then maybe I should just let go of the logic – focussing on logic over feelings always leads me away from my peaceful core.

Maybe I was meant to stray away from my inner peace. If I’d been going with the flow more, experiencing lots of magic and easily trusting that I was on the right path, then the hard questions may have just floated over my head instead of digging so deep.

One of my interests is kayaking, and though we generally go with the flow on a river, occasionally you have to paddle upstream just an itty bit in order to have the best angle of approach to a particular feature. I wonder if that’s what was going on with me? I certainly believe that whatever happens is meant to happen, even if that does mean I occasionally stray away from my own centre.

And so, while I recognise now that I’ve been in the wilderness for a bit, I’m not sorry to have gone there. I did learn lots of interesting things about myself, and I’ve also learned the importance of not taking short-cuts! Well, with the important things in life, there are no short-cuts really ; )

And now I’m coming home, back to a place where I feel joy and peace effortlessly, but with a stronger self-awareness than I had before. All is good.

And how have I done it? I’ve re-established the routine of writing out my daily intentions and affirmations. I remembered some good advice from Judith Morgan and I’ve embarked on an Extreme Self Care spree. After a gym workout I treat myself to a dose of the jacuzzi - bliss! I had a long overdue shiatsu session, and I’m looking forward to another on Tuesday. I had a consciousness shifting session, which was a new experience for me but I think I’ll be going back for more. I had an energetic massage which was also well overdue, and I’ve renewed my intention to make that a more regular treat. (Don't be fooled by the word "energetic" there, it's a delightfully relaxing and pampering indulgence, with the added benefit of leaving your energy chakras rebalanced)

And I’m still decluttering. A bit here and a bit there. And every bit makes a perceptible difference to my energy. My sense of peace is being restored. And I’m now facing two weeks school holidays (a recent teaching stint having come from my career conundrum) during which time I will complete the declutter and perform the space clearing ritual. I’m breathing more deeply already.

I’ve gone from feeling stuck in limbo to having a strong sense of moving forwards, eventhough I’m still not sure where I’m headed. But I know I’m going somewhere and I’m much more at peace with the not-knowing-where than I have been of late : )

I'll be back!

I have been very absent from my blog of late.  I haven't been reading or writing as things going on in my personal life at the moment are requiring an inordinate amount of my time and energy.  Any time I have spent online these last few weeks has been spent trying to track all the posts on Songs that make your heart sing.  I know I am late in publishing the final compilation, and apologies but I will be a while yet in doing so.

The rest of this month is likely to continue along the same vein, but I hope that things will return to "normal" in about two weeks time. 

I am committed to finishing off the Songs meme, passing on the Thinking Blogger's award (thanks again Joanna!), posting on Kirsten's group writing project, getting in on Karen's birthday celebrations, updating on Kammie's 14 day kick in the bootie challenge, and generally getting back into reading and writing.  But I need to give myself this time out - I have no intention of turning my blog into a "should"!

So apologies for the lack of new writing here.  I will keep my weekly Thoughts coming during the sabbatical.

All the best,

Hilda x

Struggling with the law of detachment

The Law of Attraction states that you attract into your life that which you think about and focus your attention on.  It can work in your favour and against, depending on how you're feeling about what you're thinking about.  It also works both consciously and unconsciously.

The key to experiencing (mostly) what you'd like to experience in life is to consciously focus on what it is you'd like, and feel as if it is already yours.  If your energy is focussed on a lack of having that which you want, you'll attract more of that lack.  Hence, it is imperative to focus on the having rather than on the not having.

However, there is a major stumbling block in there.  At least it is a stumbling block for me.  And that is to not become attached to that which you'd like to have.  This is really tricky.  When you become attached, it's likely that you will fall into the lack mindset, and therefore begin to repel rather than attract what you want.  I never fail to not receive what I become fiercely attached to.

And I never fail to receive what I've asked for with complete detachment.

But when I'm completely detached, my request is almost unconscious.  It's a fleeting "wouldn't it be nice..." thought which manifests with surprising speed.  When there's something important that I'd like to experience, I focus on it consciously, and go about visualising the end result that I'd like, and trying to feel as though it is already mine.  But the more I do this positive focussing work, the more attached I become to having the experience.  And the more I scupper my chances of actually receiving it...

I am generally aware of my strong attachments, but no matter how hard I try I find it really difficult to let go of them, and just allow whatever will be to be.  I've been trying the expression "Let go and let God" lately and it's helped a bit, but if anyone can offer any more tips on how to stay detached (or become detached once you realise your attachment), I'd be very grateful to hear them.

Addicted to the Idol Factor

Omigod, I'm about to become addicted to American Idol.  How do I know?  It don't take no genius to predict: I get addicted every year when it gets to The Final Twelve stage.  I presume it's a few weeks into that stage now on the western side of the Atlantic, but on this side the first Final Twelve show airs this weekend.

It's not just American Idol.  I'm equally addicted to the UK version X Factor.  Why do they appeal to me so much?  Well, I have to confess that I really like Simon Cowell's refreshing brand of honesty.  Plus, and I mean this sincerely, I think he's a funny guy!

But it's more than that. 

I do recognise that during the early stages of these shows, there's alot of exploitation of seriously untalented individuals in the name of mindless entertainment of the masses.  But I skip those shows, and really only tune in when we're talking about real talent, and individuals who are honouring that talent, rather than seeking a celebrity lifestyle.  Now it's about people who are truly passionate about working in the music industry, and are absoutely, 100% committed to following their dreams. 

What's not to love about that?

Oprah's Angel Network

If you don't get to work from home, you may not have had the chance to watch an Oprah show.  I do, and it airs on Irish TV3 at 1.40pm weekdays, and I take my lunch break at 1.30 so that I can watch it.  The show varies massively in content but it is always entertaining, inspiring, enlightening or gut-wrenching (and often a combination of these adjectives apply).

I consider Oprah to be a mentor (she inspires me to live my best life), and at Christmas I treated myself to her 50th anniversary CD box set.  Last night I watched the 'Christmas Kindness' show, which I think is about two years old.  It was about a trip to South Africa where Oprah, her friends and her staff gave thousands of children gifts of clothes, runners (jogging shoes?) and toys that meant as much to each of those children as winning the lotto might to one of us.  It was very moving and I cried tears of joy for those kids.