Living Out Loud

Keep it simple, make it meaningful

December tends to be a manic month for many people. There’s more Christmas parties to attend than you can shake a stick at, endless gift shopping to be done, little black dresses or other party numbers to be sourced, and reunions of school friends, college buddies, former work colleagues, and of course the extended family.

It may seem like you can’t not attend some of these gigs, or not do some of that shopping, but the truth is that you always have a choice. Yes, you do. Granted, it can be tricky turning down invites from family or close friends, but if you communicate your needs considerately yet assertively, you can free up space (and you don’t do anyone any favours by attending out of duty rather than desire).

Or it may be that you don’t normally have so many social opportunities that you feel you should accept every one that comes your way. Not so. If you live with a “famine or feast” expectation, then that’s how you will experience opportunities in your life. If you choose to live a balanced life in every respect, including your social life, your opportunities will show up in a more balanced way.

So this party season, why not generously space out your social engagements to allow plenty of time to nurture yourself, and still have plenty of energy by the time Christmas and the New Year hits, and have funds in your bank account to finance a social life in January too! Space in your diary is an opportunity to replenish your body, mind and spirit as much as it is an opportunity to attend another party. Fill your diary consciously. Choose get-togethers with people who really matter to you over endless work-related gigs just because the boss is paying for your dinner and there’s a free bar.

Consider the effects of all that partying on your liver, your purse and your energy levels in general. Make sure you block off nights to take care of yourself, and replenish your energy stores. Use the time to pamper yourself, write your Christmas cards, make a gift or two, cook your own “ready meals” to stick in the freezer, or any activity you find therapeutic (if it’s ironing, let me know, I can send some therapy your way).

Or you could use the time to give yourself a head start to 2008. Take an evening off to reflect on 2007 and where you want to go with your life next year. Work out what you need in place to support yourself in getting there. Create a compelling vision for how you’d love 2008 to be for you.

As the saying goes, fail to plan and you plan to fail. Though I must say “failure” is a dirty word to me. Any experience you’ve learned from is an experience worth having. But if you don’t want to keep repeating the experience, then you definitely want to get the lesson!

To set yourself up for success in 2008, take some time out now to prepare yourself mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Get clear on what you want and why you want it. Fast forward to this time next year. When you’re reflecting on your past year, what achievements would you like to be acknowledging? Based on past experience, how might you sabotage yourself along the way? What obstacles might you encounter, and what inner resources will you need to overcome them? Make a commitment now to doing what you want and need to do and, most importantly, to being the person you want and need to be.

"There is nothing like a dream to create the future." -- Victor Hugo

So this December, instead of running yourself ragged, why not deliberately give yourself some space to look after your physical, spiritual, emotional and financial needs. Instead of spending your money and your time mindlessly, do it mindfully. And above all, enjoy!

Do you want to be right, or be happy?

Sometimes life really sucks. And other times it's just not too great, or could be better. But that is absolutely no reason to despair. Really! Whether or not you are in a place right now where you can accept this, the truth is that there's always an opportunity in every challenging experience to learn and grow. And it's always in our best interests to actively seek that lesson. What a waste to go through a rough patch and take nothing out of it that will help carry you onwards and upwards in the present and future.

And how do we do seek that lesson? By asking ourselves "what is this here to teach me?" And by asking more than once. Because the more you ask yourself, the deeper your enquiry goes, and the more you learn. The answers may not come to you straight away, in fact they probably won't. And there could be many layers of lessons for you that come through bit by bit. But the more open you are to learning them, the quicker they will come.

Your answers may come to you through something you read, something someone says to you (maybe even a throw away comment), or the lyrics of a song that is divinely played in your earshot. There will be all sorts of magical coincidences and you'll come across stuff that will resonate deeply with you and stop you in your tracks. We call them lightbulb moments, and if we pay attention to them they can radically alter our path in life.

The Power of Focus

Do you set yourself a whole pile of realistic and achievable goals and disappoint yourself over and over by not realising them?  I do this all the time!  Ooh, what a thing for a coach to confess to!!  But let me hastily add that I don’t always fail to realise my goals.  Sometimes I surprise and delight myself by achieving them far more easily than I had expected.  And I’ve recently had an insight into the difference between achieving my goals with relative ease and failing to achieve them: Focus.

When I focus my attention on one or two things, and prioritise them over everything else that I could be doing, everything seems to fall into place relatively quickly and easily.  When I set myself a number of goals to achieve, I am consistently distracted from one task by another on the list.  I have too many options to pick and choose from, and so I end up doing little bits on this and little bits on that.  The problem is that I have too many goals floating around in my head for me to be able to properly concentrate my attention on any one of them.  The curse of multi-tasking!

That’s not to say that if you wanted to achieve something in particular that you couldn’t multi-task.  Of course you could (especially if you’re a woman ;-)  The idea behind focus is that you hold that one thing in your mind all the time, and even when you’re busy doing lots of other things, you’ll still find yourself taking some little steps towards that priority goal.  But if you don’t prioritise one or two areas above all others, then chances are several important areas will be procrastinated upon while slow progress is made in a piecemeal fashion on other areas.

Happiness Tip: make Self-Care a priority!

I have a rule in my life: do unto me as I would do unto others.

If you want to be happy, now rather than “someday”, there’s no two ways about it.  You gotta treat yourself with the same level of care and respect that you treat those who matter in your life.  Part of that is getting your needs met.  And not just some of them, but all of them: physical, mental, spiritual, emotional.  It’s called self-care and it’s essential to your overall well-being. 

Aside from the common shared survival needs, each of us has a unique set of needs.  In order to be “firing on all cylinders”, we need to nurture our body, minds and spirits.  If we ignore these needs, we drain our energy tanks.  We wouldn’t expect our cars to drive on an empty petrol tank, so why expect that from ourselves?

If you’re energy levels are depleted, and your enthusiasm for life is lacking even in areas that are generally good, try taking a look at each area of your life and making a list of all your personal needs.  What are your needs at work?  Your health needs?  Your relationship needs?  Download the Wheel of Life from my website (it’s free), and in each segment write out your needs.  Then, circle the ones that are not being met.   Ask yourself what is the impact on your life of allowing these needs to go unmet?  What difference would it make if they were met?  What will be the cost to you of not meeting them?  How could you go about doing that? 

If you’re committed to being happy now, and you’ve identified some unmet needs, you’ll need to make some decisions:

Tend to your life as if it were a garden

I read two interesting posts this week about how gardening can be a good metaphor for living a good life.  (It must be the time of year ;-)

"If you have a lot of weeds in your life, consider the fact that ripping them out might be hard, but isn’t it always more beautiful to wake up to a great looking garden than a bare wasteland?"

On Breathing Prosperity Ophelia talks about how your life reflects the seeds you planted - have you cared for your plants or allowed weeds to grow? - in Life is like a box of chocolates... no, it's like gardening

"Treat each plant the way it wants to be treated.  Some plants crave nitrogen, some magnesium, some potassium, some a mixture, and some prefer neutrality.  While you can make generalities, treat every plant the same, and have an average garden, you can treat each plant the way it wants to be treated and have a fabulous garden."

The above is just one of fourteen lessons Debra Moorhead has learned about gardening that apply equally well to life.  Read What Gardening has taught me about Life.

Both these posts resonated deeply with me, and probably because I wrote a similar article for my ezine last year (and round about this time).  And so I was inspired to dig it out and post it here:

Be Kind to yourself and others

Kindness is a generosity of spirit that comes to life when we give of ourselves, and our time, to be of help to others without expecting anything in return. When you show kindness to somebody you bring out the best in yourself, and a side-effect of brightening up somebody else’s day is to feel happier in the moment yourself. 

In recent times I've started to pay attention to the impact my behaviour has on others, and to notice my own feelings in association to their reactions.  When I see that something I've said or done has been of help to someone, I get a huge warm fuzzy from it.  I bet you do too. 

Think about how you feel yourself when somebody else shows you kindness.  What greater reward could there be than to regularly give that feeling to others through small but thoughtful acts?  And the best bit is that what you give comes back to you in even greater quantity. When you are kind, you not only get an immediate payback in terms of a feel-good factor, you will also receive kindness from others, and in completely unexpected and unrelated ways.

It is so easy to find ways to be kind to others - here are just a few ideas:

• say something supportive when you instinctively feel someone needs to hear it
• offer help without being asked for it; smile encouragingly
• swallow your criticisms; listen without judgement
• let mistakes slide instead of assigning blame
• make small sacrifices for the benefit of somebody in greater need

Oh yes, being kind to othes is a sure-fire strategy for boosting your own happiness.  But don't forget to be kind to yourself as well!

A great rule of thumb I apply to my life is to not only do unto others as I’d have them do unto me, but to also do unto myself as I’d do unto others.

Trust your Intuition

I just came across this great Think Positive! blog, and reading a post entitled Men are Intuitive Too! reminded me of this article I wrote last year on how to tune into and learn to trust your intuition if you're not used to doing so.  So, I decided to dig it out and post it here:

Are you aware of your inner voice? Do you pay attention to it? I’m not talking about the one who puts you down by the way! I’m talking about the one that softly whispers ideas and suggestions to you – the kind that the other voice might shout down, crying “Are you mad? That requires stepping out of our comfort zone, and that is to be avoided at all costs!” (even if the cost is living a life of mediocrity instead of the one of your dreams)

Sadly, the latter voice is the one most of us are aware of and pay attention to. The more gentle one, that is our intuition, is often ignored – that is if we’re hearing what it tells us at all. The great pity here is that it’s our intuition that really has our best interests at heart. Our gremlin (the louder, more aggressive voice) does have our welfare at heart too, but in a protective way. The intuition’s way is more expansive.

I'll be happy when...

I get promoted, am married, have a baby, get a raise, own my own home... On and on the list goes.  If you suffer from IBHW  Syndrome I have some very good news for you: it is completely psychosomatic!  It is all in your head, and you will be cured when you decide to be happy now, not when...

"I wish everyone could get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that's not the answer."  --  Jim Carrey

Happiness is an inner state, and as such it is completely non-reliant on outer circumstances.  This means that it is possible to be happy at any time, and there’s no better time to be happy than right now.

Happiness is not a life without challenges.  Your life will always be filled with challenges.  So, if you’re ever to be happy, it's best to accept this and decide to be happy anyway.

Here are some techniques to help you do that:

Decide to have a really great day!

Believe it or not, it is possible to radically alter how you feel without changing your circumstances. When I first (very sceptically!) tried this technique I had such a great day it blew my socks off – and I was generally very miserable at work at the time.

Each morning, before you dive head-first into your day, think very clearly about how you want your day to be, and most importantly how you want to be during the day. For me, I find it particularly effective to write it down. But the most important thing is that you decide how you want your day to go, and then focus on that for at least a few minutes before you get started.

The more energy you can put into these thoughts, the better your day will be, so if you normally spend your journey to work thinking “Ugh, I have to do x and meet y, and I’m tired and stressed" and so on, try going over and over in your mind your new script instead: “Today I’m going to get through my workload productively and effectively. I’m going to be relaxed and confident and will capably deal with every situation whether it is planned or unexpected. I’m going to feel great all day and enjoy what I’m doing and the people I’m interacting with.” Substitute this for whatever you want from your day.

As a former Doubting Thomas my own reaction to this suggestion was “yeah, right!” But then I thought, “Well what have I got to lose?” The results surprised me. Why not have an open mind and give it a try yourself.

Finding the Silver Lining

When I find myself in the midst of a challenging experience, I ask myself “Why is this happening to me?” Not in a whiny, wailing kind of way (not anymore that is, believe me, there was a time when I surely would have), but in a genuinely curious way. I know now that no matter how tough things are for me there is an opportunity for growth and expansion in the experience.

And when I don’t know the reason for what’s happening, I hold the intention to know it. It doesn’t have to be right away. I accept that the knowledge or insight may well come in hindsight, and so I do the best I can to deal with the situation while trusting that everything will be alright. I know when the going gets tough that I’ve created or attracted the experience at an unconscious level through my thoughts, feelings and overall energy. I also know that this outer event does not have to impact my inner self if I don’t give it the power to do so. How I experience the event, how I get through it is down to me, I am not powerless in my response to the situation. I realise that I need to shift my energy, to align it more with how I'd prefer things to be rather than how they are/I don't want them to be.