A desire quietly evolved over the last number of months: to leave Dublin and move to the West of Ireland.
It's a subset of my Big Dream: to buy a big georgian country house and run a retreat centre from it. I can't afford that dream yet, but as Mike Dooley says "The secret to living the life of your dreams is to start living it, at once, to any degree you possibly can."
And I can move west without the big country house. And I can rent a house there for less money than I'm paying for my one-bed apartment in Dublin. And I might even be able to dedicate a room in that house for teaching meditation.
And so it formulated... And I set up alerts for houses available to rent in a number of counties in the West of Ireland. I kinda felt drawn to Sligo, but didn't want to become too attached, so remained open to what might come up elsewhere. I felt that if this was the right thing for me to do, then I would find the perfect space in the perfect place, and I was determined not to force that to happen, but to allow it to unfold easily.
And what emerged was that the place that felt really right, that I was very drawn to, was in Mayo, not Sligo. The lovely Westport, I decided, would become my new home.
But again, I didn't want to become too attached to the idea - I know from experience that attachment thwarts my desires. Detachment helps them to manifest or keeps me open to even better things emerging than I originally planned for. So, I decided that now I'd found the perfect space, I would not actually make the move until I found the perfect place, eventhough a friend living 20 minutes from that town invited me to stay with her till I'd found somewhere of my own to live.
That felt like it might be forcing the issue a bit. The move will be very big logistically (not to mention emotionally as I'm leaving behind the life I've built over the last 16 years to begin a new one) and I believed if it was really right then everything would fall into place. I just needed to patiently allow that to happen.
But at the same time I also took some action - doing my bit to let the Universe know I'm serious about this plan ;-)
So, I did my homework. What were the people like (seriously friendly); how easy would it be to make new friends (very easy, I was assured); could I engage in leisure activities I enjoy (kayaking and hill-walking clubs - check; great surf nearby - time to finally learn to stand up on the board); were the people in the vicinity open to holistic practices (oh my God, yes!!).
And I looked at places to live. That was less encouraging. Most were damp and dingy. They definitely didn't feel like home. I started to wonder if it was meant to be. Maybe it wasn't. I surrendered.
And then more places came up to view, and one of them just felt So Right - yay! There were a couple of issues to be ironed out, and cheaper rent to be negotiated, but that all worked out too. I was all set to head to Westport last Wednesday to sign the lease and pay my deposit. And then the night before it all fell through. The house now won't be available till Christmas at the earliest.
I was really disappointed. I had become attached to that house! And I knew immediately that it just wasn't meant to be, but it still sucked having to let it go. It offered so much space, aesthetically it was to my taste, and its location in the town was just perfect. How would I possibly find another place as good?
But I also knew that if I'm meant to move there, then I will find the perfect place, and that house just wasn't meant to be.
The next morning I read this post on surrender by Megan, guest posting on The Jungle Of Life. How perfect! It got me to wondering if I'm simply too attached to the idea of moving to Westport. Maybe that's what's not meant to be. Maybe I'm meant to stay here in Dublin after all.
But I don't want to stay in Dublin. I want to make the move, I think the time is right for that.
I need to surrender again. Maybe what I want isn't what I need right now... I need to release my attachment to this particular dream and allow it to evolve to perfectly reflect what I really and truly, deeply desire at a level I may not yet be aware of.
So I'm shifting into wondering instead. I'm still hoping to make the move to Westport, but instead of being attached to it happening, I'm curiously wondering if it will. It's a much better place to be in :-)
What about you? What have you been attached to in the past that you now realise wasn't meant to be? And are you all the happier for it not coming about?